Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Facing the Music

I have noticed a personal tendency in my makeup.  When I feel inadequate doing something, I try to avoid having to do it.  I am terrible at sports so I purposely sidestep any occasion where I might be expected to participate in throwing, hitting, or catching a ball.  There seems to be some type of magnet in my head that draws balls toward it; if anyone is going to get hit in the head, that would be me.

This avoidance has worked out pretty well for me, especially since I have passed the stage of gym classes and dating.  But even while I was in the dating stage of my life, I knew that if a game of softball or volleyball was imminent, pre-selecting improper footwear would usually get me out of having to play, or at least it would seriously reduce any undue expectations there might be regarding my performance.  It would not, however, deter the head injury problem.

This avoidance isn't limited to sports.  There are many things that fill me with fear and trepidation, but I find that if I just focus on what I am good at or what comes easily then life passes pretty comfortably.

Until now.  I have been dealt a hardy blow.  I am now forced to face my inadequacies every day.  I am now required to meet head-on a challenge that fills me with fear and dread.  No amount of experience nor preparation seems to overcome my feelings of  insufficiency.  I struggle.  I worry.  I agonize.  I doubt.  I cry.

I teach Seminary.


Laura said...

I have no doubt that you are doing a fabulous job, that the students love you and that you are making a difference in their lives. You are one amazing chica!

Nancy said...

Just relax and be yourself, the kids know you and love you. They appreciate all your efforts and they know your sweet and gentle spirit wants the best for all of them. You are the best for them at this time!! Don't be so hard on yourself and just enjoy the journey ;)

Kim said...

This surprises me because you are way more qualified to do something like this than me ~ I see it as one of your biggest strengths.

Maili said...

Ardith, you are so funny! And clever. I never thought of choosing shoes to avoid certain activities. Do you remember when we were on a double date in Logan going bowling and I didn't want to? Really I was afraid because I didn't know how. Jim picked me up and carried me into the bowling alley and I ended up beating everyone. I actually like bowling now even though I'm not good at it.

I understand your feelings about Seminary. For the last three years I have served as young women's president, and it has been the hardest thing I've ever done! I have always been better and more comfortable with boys (as in cub scouts); and girls intimidated me, especially the athletic ones. I think I must have some kind of aura that causes girl jocks to hate me. It has seemed so since high school. So the release on Sunday came as a big relief. I feel I gave it my best and hope it is acceptable to Heavenly Father. That's really all that matters. You are definitely qualified and capable of making a big difference in a lot of testimonies. I'm sure you are a wonderful seminary teacher even if it is hard for you! Hang in there! Love you!