I have planned for it. I have adjusted my schedule to make it fit. I have "tried" to diet for it (that was a joke). I went shopping for it.
And now if I am honest with myself, the closer it gets the more nervous and scared I am to go.
30 years. That's how long it has been since I graduated from high school. And a class reunion is called for, right? I have only been able to attend the 10th and the 20th, so another decade has passed and it is time to make my appearance again.
I suspect I may not be the only one who barely resembles their old self, by becoming a VERY old self. I don't really care about that, but it does make me wonder if anyone will recognize me. With our extra pounds and extra wrinkles, will we also have gained some extra maturity and wisdom and tolerance and kindness?
I know that as a transplanted "new girl" my sophomore year, I was somewhat of an anomaly. The rest of the class had known each other since kindergarten, and many of them have spent the last 30 years raising their families together and sharing their lives. Not me. After graduation, my family moved out of state and were "never heard from again".
So, why am I going? What am I trying to prove, or trying to gain, or trying to......?
I have kept some contact with a couple of dear friends, who seemed to want to hold onto me and our friendship. That has meant more to me than they could possibly know. So can't I just tell them that here? on my blog? Can't I just stop by their homes and visit them when I am in their area? Why must I use a class reunion as my means of seeing them? Why must I expose myself to all the rest who probably wouldn't even notice if I was there or not?
Ah, what to do? How easy it would be to come up with some excuse and back out. Something like this shouldn't take all the courage I can muster. And yet it does. And it will.
The same shyness that made me appear aloof years ago in school is still in my makeup. When I am comfortable with people that shyness dissipates. In many ways I am still the insecure new girl just hoping that someone will come along that wants to be my friend.
Oh, the inward demons that we battle.